Part 10: Have a life outside of Ministry. Marriage/Family/Relationships

I know I start out a lot of posts by saying this is something I really connect with.  I guess that just happens when I'm passionate about something I'm writing about that I'm living.  This particular area is important to me because I've seen the negative side of not having a life too much in ministry and currently have a big staff of 20-somethings who are in the midst of trying to figure this out.

My first experience with Youth Ministry happened in a camp setting.  A 12 week summer camp in a remote location is probably as far as you can get away from real life.   The camp experience was amazing.  I lived in a cabin with 2 other guys and we pretty much did the same thing every day.  Got up, ate, played games,  had a meeting, ate, took naps in the afternoon, ate, had a meeting, played games, hung out and talked for 3 hours and then slept.   Amazing but not real.  I would love to go back to that life right now but it's just not how real life works.

Some of my best friends are all from that summer at camp but there are also many people I worked with that summer and thought I was really close to that I haven't talked to since. 

Maybe a more transparent story might help:  I met a girl at camp that first summer and we started dating.  That following year I went back to school to finish up my last semester of college.  After that I moved to California and we got engaged.  That summer we both worked at camp together again.  So in the span of just over a year I met someone in a non real world camp experience, dated her long distance for 8 months,  got engaged and then worked at a non real world camp experience again.  Probably not a very good start to a potential marriage.  Anyways God intervened and I felt convicted that we needed to slow down and after we lived in the same state and had real non camp jobs I realized that this wasn't the right situation for me.Sadly several of my "friends" from camp even told me after the fact that they didn't think we should get married. 

Now that I am able to look back on that situation and my first several years in ministry I now know that I needed to be grounded more with people who were outside of the camp/church ministry who could help me realize that much of my life would come crashing down after the summer camp ministry experience was over. I needed to be involved in a young adult ministry having leaders build into me.  I needed a small group of guys who could call me out on my struggles.  It took a little while but I eventually found those things.

Maybe this realization will help:  Most summer camp staff and even entry level ministry positions in churches make very little money.  It's usually not enough to pay for basic things unless you are living at a camp or have your parents still paying for your health care. 

Having no life outside of youth ministry is dangerous.  I've seen too many youth staff and volunteers over the years get into trouble because they haven't figured out how to have boundaries between their personal and ministry lives.  Sadly many of them have no boundaries and students sometimes become their best friends.  I wish I could explain to leaders sometimes that having students over 24/7 is both completely unhealthy and a huge recipe for burnout.

I don't need another burned out leader in any ministry I'm a part of.  If you have vacation days take them.  If you have a day off (under my leadership you will always have 2) go do something.  If you work on your day off and then tell me you're tired and getting burned out I'm not sure what you want me to say. 

This year I had two of my staff members get married.  Both of them have struggled a bit to try to figure out how to do youth ministry now that they are at a different stage in their lives.  I know it hasn't been easy on either of them and they have both taken some negative hits from other people on staff accusing them of "not hanging out with students as much."   It has gotten so bad for one of them that they have even expressed to me that maybe we should hire the "young, single" leader that everyone loves and they'll leave.  I reminded that person that that young single leader is who they were 3 years ago and that they can be just as effective (and maybe more) now that they are forced to put up boundaries and create more balance in their lives. 

Ok I realize this is a long post but let's be honest about this one.   Please love students and families  you are a youth worker because you do.  But, have a real life and real friends outside of work so that you will have a support base and a comfort zone for when things fall apart.  Because fall apart things always do.

Part 1: Parents are your best friends or worst enemies.
Part 2: You won't like every kid and every kid won't like you.
Part 3: Perceived vs. Real Needs.
Part 4: Learn to say you are sorry.
Part 5: Better Safe than Sued
Part 6: Find friends outside of youth ministry.

Part 7: Stick to it
Part 8: It's not about you
Part 9: What you feed grows. What you starve Dies.
Part 10: Have a life outside of ministry.  Marriage/family/relationships.
Part 11: Fall in Love with God again.

Comments

[jeremy z]

wow. nice. real. raw. honest.

my first two years of ym, my students were my friends. i did not have a life. seriously, but i thought it was the way to do ministry.

i think for many youth pastors pleasing people is a common trait. being infected with the pleasing people disease it is hard to say no and stop and take time for yourself. also if you are an extrovert you thrive by being surrounded by people.

single youth leaders are the most taken advantage people in the church.

to be honest, i sometimes feel guilty hanging out with people who are not part of my community. but there is a real power in hanging out with non-christians. they really make me stop using all of the Christian buzz words.

anyways....thanks for this post Lars!

[Lance]

Lars this is quite a good series you have put together. I think this section is true for anybody in ministry. It amazes me how blind we can become when we only look at those who surround our ministry. It's super important to go out and make those connections. I do my best to find different activities that help me connect with people. What does your life look like outside of Youth ministry? Keep on rocking in the free world.